The thrill of the chase

A pair of bright eyes

Flashed in a fox face

And a man was consumed

By the thrill of the chase

He donned a red blazer

And wound up his horn

And mounted his horse

In the chill winter dawn

There were trumpets, halloos

The grass crackled with frost

She dashed under a brake

And he feared she was lost

The hounds sniffed and slobbered

He quickened the pace

Pursuing her scent for

The thrill of the chase

*

Here she lies in the ditch

And her guts are all spilled

But now he is flinching

From what he has killed

No tenderness now

No hand stroking her face

The mystique all lost

With the thrill of the chase.

The customer is always wrong

There are different styles for waiters

As most of you will know

Go so fast you make them dizzy

Or, like a snail, be slow

 

Service with a sneer is good

Or service with a frown

And GBH if they don’t tip

Be sure to note this down:

 

If ever a dilemma

Has you impaled on its prong

Memorise now the maxim:

The customer is wrong

 

Now join me in full-throated voice

All hearty, sing along

The restaurant staff are always right

And the customer is wrong.

 

Cable TV installations

Are with complications fraught

Some screw-ups are natural

And others can be taught

 

Just remember, when you’re called out

Don’t bring everything you need

Always leave the job part-finished

To satisfy your greed

 

They’ll have to call you out again

You can spin it out so long

You’re never to forget, please

That the customer is wrong

 

Now join me in full-throated voice

All hearty, sing along

The cable staff are always right

And the customer always wrong

 

Sales staff, when you pitch your sale

Please feel free to lie

Unsettling the insecure

Is something you should try

 

So tell the heavy mum-to-be

In two weeks her pram’s here

And when she’s paid you, tell her

That it will take a year

 

Each time you sucker someone else

Bang merrily your gong

All the time declaiming:

The customer is wrong!

 

Now join me in full-throated voice

All hearty, sing along

The salesperson is always right

And the customer always wrong.

Big Brother

The German original of this poem was written on a hoarding in Praterstern, Vienna. My translation into English is below.

Biste schleimig wie ein Aal,

Arbeitslos und asozial

Haste Titten bis zum Boden

Oder Taetowierte Hoden

Bist du dummer wie ein Schwein?

Zieh doch bei Big Brother ein.

*

Are you slimy like an eel,

Antisocial, on the dole

Do your tits reach to your shoes

Or your bollocks sport tattoos

Are you thicker than pigshit?

Then Big Brother’s your best bet.

 

Two limericks

Pseudo

There once was a man from Salt Lake

Whose pseudoness quite took the cake

When they called him a fraud,

He said, “So help me lord,

I only pretend to be fake.”

 

Vienna

There once was a gal from Vienna

Who dyed her hair bright red with henna

The cars they did stop

When they saw her red top

And on the Guertel, they’d proffer a tenner.

 

When the Babel fish meets hormones

The flour rope that hangs around in the yard

Oh not sterilized Dildo, increasing flour-rope of the thousand-art

I’m straight, which hangs around in the yard!

 

Consolador Oh to sterilize, increasing mould of the art of thousands!

I right’m, that hangs around in the yard.

 

Hungry

In four short hours

I ate

Then you had me eat more

And now you have me hungering again

Thy flour rope increaseth

Limericks

Limerick 1

There once was a man from Pyong Yang

Who made some plutonium go bang

From the force of the blast

The fall out was vast

And the kimchi acquired a nice tang

 

Limerick 2 (Six lines)

Fidel Castro, dictator of Cuba

Tried to pleasure his wife with a tuba

But he’s getting older

And he should have told her

She should have remembered to lube her

(The screaming was heard in Aruba)

Loved too long

(A ballad)

It’s sometime after midnight

The party’s dying out

Your head is pressed against my chest

As if you had no doubt

But I have spent the evening

Just letting my eye roam

Round the other girls, and thinking

That it’s time to send you home

Refrain

Oh I still think you are gorgeous

No, you ain’t done nothing wrong

It’s a pain we can’t kiss better

We have been in love too long.

Loved too long, oh loved too long

We have been in love too long.